Tag: reflection

Marathon Ballots

My club has a London Marathon place going to ballot.

I am debating throwing my name into the hat.

Knowing my luck I’ll probably get it (in a cruel twist of fate and ridiculousness).

And if I did, I’d have to train for it. After saying I would never do a marathon.

Well.I’ve until the end of Sunday to decide if I;m going to throw my name in. I have, however, missed last nights and tonights run. I am off work tomorrow (job interview) so planning on running tomorrow morning and may use that time to contemplate life choices.

Maybe.

Maybe I have some run mojo. Ish.

Unexpected peace

I am trying to get back into a writing habit – partly because I’ve been keeping a diary – this is usually a sign things aren’t right emotionally but I am writing in it less and less (good sign) and partly because I have a book in my head and getting into some form of writing practice might be good for me. Famous last words – September is not far away and that’s when work gets busy!

Onto the unexpected peace. It’s actually more contentment/feeling at peace. Yesterday I had the best park run time I’ve had in a long time. I felt strong. I AM feeling strong at the moment in general. Had a good afternoon with my Dad. Got some housework done last night (which I finished off today). This morning I went swimming and then out on the bike with one of my mates, who stayed for lunch. Pottered into town to by myself a tiramisu iced frappe latte thing. Had a bath and read.

The feeling of utter peace and just quiet that has been the result of not rushing around and doing nice things and not worrying – well. I am chilled. Not sure how long it will last. Think I might go do some yoga and have a very early night – by which I mean, go to bed and read until my eyes shut.

How long this feeling will last is anyones guess but I am just going to carry on embracing it as long as possible.

I love summer.

All Change

I am determined that I am going to keep up the blogging habit – even if it’s a bit old hat now and everyone has moved over to Tictok or whatever.

The origins of this blog came out of heartache and change- this year has had a portion of that and it’s been a reminder of what it can be like to be in a relationship (the utter calmness was next level). It also coincided with a bigger change in that I bought a house and was in process of moving in when I was dating.

Flying solo in my late 30s and I think I have managed to make this house a home. This doesn’t mean to say that I wish to stay forever singe – see previous comment!

With all the change, it’s been a bit of an odd year but I do feel more settled. Somethings are easier now I have my own space and coupled with the summer holidays and less tutoring, I have actually had time to do things I enjoy. It all kicks off again in September but we’ll worry about that when we get there.

I have found a routine, work is currently settled – though in the process of applying for another role (promotion would be nice). I have a swim routine and did Coniston End to End again but not as quickly as I know I am able to… Things are good and I am feeling grateful.

On the up coming to do list:

This week – back into swim/training routine. Last week went to pot as I was dog sitting. Work will be mixed as colleague is off all week and no idea who else will/won’t be in. Tutoring will be quiet. General life happenings. Lakes on Sunday for 1500m swim event in Windermere – should be a laugh but think I’m going to day trip it.

Longer term – few odds and sods to sort in the house, continue training, plan what September is going to look like (check diary!), try to blog and hopefully review some of the research I started during Covid on women’s time trialing and cycling. Before someone else writes the book! Oh and to stop buying bedding.

Trying to read more too. Ned Boulting’s recent book has been finished, managed to sneak in another book but I also have about 3 copies of Rouleur to catch up on. I think I could retire and still be busy!

Long time no blog

What’s been going on?! I’ve not blogged for a while – time to get back on it!

So it has been a LONG time since I wrote. Life has been busy. I was going to cancel my WordPress subscription and let the website go but then a couple of months ago the payment went out (misjudged that!). Thought I should maybe start blogging again? I’ve been keeping a diary again – that’s what heartbreak does to you! And it’s been a good reminder that I actually enjoy writing. Sixteen year old me would be having a field day at this….

So much has happened in the last year – can’t even remember the last time I put out a blog post? Definitely not the year!

I’ve bought a house! Admittedly with the help of Bank of Mum and Dad.

I’ve done the End to End Swim at Coniston again – honestly really should have blogged that whole experience after 4/5 years away from marathon swimming.

I’ve had a whirlwind romance – and well, still licking wounds and explains the dairy keeping. I appear to only write/keep a diary when I’m heartbroken or life is Not Good. Right bloke + wrong time = wrong relationship. Might write about it and my reflections. Might not.

So, it has been a long time since I wrote. Life is slowing settling into a routine, although summer holidays disrupt this in a good way, and hopefully I can find some time to share my ramblings with the world.

Next on the list – Epic Swim Windermere – 1500m thought- nothing mad!

Waving goodbye to Summer

Well it has been a rather mediocre summer really – the highlight being the two trips abroad cycling. Summer was late arriving and I feel I have wasted it a bit but on the plus side, I appear to be out of the funk I’ve been in for the last year or two.

I think a combination of factors has helped. I feel and am fitter than I have been for a while. More cycling will do that to you! A PB on the deadlift, my swim mojo coming back to life (slowly but surely….) and just generally being more active has lead me to actually ‘doing more’.

It’s been a long time coming. So in celebration of this new found enthusiasm for life – I’ve signed up to swim Coniston End to End again….

And apply for a new job.

I dislike winter and not enjoying the nights closing in, however hopefully there is enough enthusiasm to get me through to next spring…

Realisations

Its been an interesting couple of years. Lack of mojo, lack of energy and a lack of enthusiasm/feeling of excitement. Although it feels like a corner has been turned!

Positives

Trying new stuff without too much planning: In May, I took a step out of my comfort zone and coupled with one of my friends we took the ferry from Hull to Rotterdam with our bikes, with only hostels booked. It was fabulous. So much so, I am taking my bike on two trains and a ferry to meet the same friend in Calais to camp and cycling around North France with even less planning….

Bring. It. On.

(After a £450/500 bill on a bike that originally cost me £450….)

Saying no/re-evaluating what I do with my time: I am stepping down from the committee I’m on and it’s looking like I probably wont be coaching much, if at all, in the autumn, which I cant say I’m upset about.

Mission mortgage: Is all systems go. I am willing to do the OT hours at work, but have to say, a bit of a break from tutoring over the summer is a welcome rest – grown up stuff.

Swim swim swim: I WANT to swim. I have started swimming more regularly and I am tempted to have another go at Coniston end to end.

Cycling love: following on from the Netherland… I have finally bought a cycling computer (a Wahoo Bolt) and wanting to ride my bike more. Might even make the last TT race next week.

Negatives

Multisport races: Head is not in the game but I suspect that the cold and lack of OW swimming didn’t help. One aquabike booked – DNS’d it. No regrets but it was a cold day spectating!

My shoulder/back is not happy: Old niggle is back but coupled with a poor position at work i suspect. May need some more investigation.

Overall – more positives than negatives…. though the niggly back/shoulder is quite a major one atm…

When riding bikes in winter…

Yesterday was a bit of a shock to the system (in a good way I think mostly). The biggest shock being how unfit I am! Although a few things were against me compared to normal summer riding but still. I am unfit. I accept this. So with this in mind, what else did I learn yesterday?

1. My winter bike is too big for me. This isn’t something new but more a reminder. My spesh was my second road bike and I bought her when I was still quite new to road cycling. I did get her fitted and she is comfy but compared to my ‘summer’ bike, she is huge and my handling skills aren’t as great as a result.

2. My winter set up is a bit retro by current standards. Claris group set, a triple, 9 speed, dork wheel still in place, reflectors still on. Mudguard. White bar tape (height of practicality). I don’t care – she’s pretty reliable and I have previously done 100 milers on her so meh. Saddle could do with replacing. And she now needs a wash. She is also quite heavy in comparison. But I am also heavier. I need to possibly lose some pounds!

3. Layering up in winter is hard. I have enough kit to shake a stick at but always find it tricky. Yesterday wasn’t too bad but couldn’t find shoe covers so had to make do with toe thingys. Cold toes but hey ho. New cycling gloves from Attaquer proved very good though (but also reminder that breaking and changing gears isn’t as easy with gloves or when your set up isn’t as good as on your fave bike.

4. Yeah the breaks on my bike – not the greatest.

5. Cafe stops on winter rides. Spent yesterday wondering if this was a good idea. My gloves had done an excellent job for first 20 miles but taking them off and putting them on again – but damp inside and therefore cold putting on. Issue didn’t last long…. Should have thought about finding cafe we could lock bikes up at and taken bikes rather than sitting outside. Nice day just cold and obviously got a bit cold – to be fair, soon warmed up heading back.

6. Mud and puddles. Just meh. It was quite nice out yesterday and only one driver was an idiot (so pretty good going). Will make me appreciate summer riding more. I’m sure riding in winter is FAR harder physically and mentally than summer.

7. Riding with friends is good.

8. Warming up and nattering at friends after. Also good.

9. Cycling is/can be faffy. Summer is easier – usually. Less layers and I usually have my basics near back door to grab and leave but winter riding? I didn’t help myself as I’ve barely ridden outside in winter for years. But urgh the amount of stuff! And trying to find stuff too. Loaded car up to get to friends to ride from hers – just stuff everywhere. Now need to unload car of said stuff and sort it.

10. And possibly wash bike. I should do this but might have to wait. I’ve a bit of a to do list to crack on with!

11. Did I mention that I am massively unfit? I have my work cut out for me.

More turbo sessions. More cycling outside. More hills.

Roll on spring!

After a long respite….

About a week ago I got a notification that my hosting and web domain needed renewing – which has, it part, prompted me to write again. I have been reflecting.

I’ve wanted to write but equally not wanted to write as well but life has a funny way of getting in the way of things.

I’ve already mentioned it to a few friends, but in all honest, I suspect I have spent the last 18 months with a mild, low level kind of depression. Just going through the motions, knowing I should be looking forward to something and being excited while at the same time not actually feeling anything, almost flatlining emotionally through life. It’s taken me a long time to actually realise and properly notice it too and it’s only looking back, and the fact that I am feeling more excited about things that I know something was amiss.

I’m not going to compare it to the level of depression that I know some people have to deal with. It’s been a low lying, sitting in the background for me, that i suspect has been brought on partly from longer last impact of covid and shift of routine as a result and but from also working too hard and trying to do too much.

Anyway, coupled with a new job, and a determination NOT to over work myself – I have purposely not booked in lots of races, cut back on training for a bit and generally cut down on trying to write ‘to do’ lists I feel like I might be coming out the otherside. I’ve also done things I fancy, and not done things I don’t want to and refused point blank to feel guilty about it. I suspect I have been demanding too much of myself and trying to fit too much in.

I have spent the last two weekends away and this weekend just gone I actually felt a bit excited for – and I am actually genuinely starting to feel excite again about things. This bodes well.

I’m looking at races again – and with my Y11s going, and starting to find a routine with the new job -well. Things are looking much more rosy than they have for a while.

May normal(ish) service commence.

Decision Made

Long time coming as I’ve been debating it for a while but when you realised you’ve screwed up, you know it’s time you did something about it so tonight I’ve emailed a local counsellor and going to actually seek some help.

I can’t carry on being a grumpy bitter cow bag. It’s not fair on anyone and the amount of time that’s gone by – I really should be in a better place. Covid certainly hasn’t helped. Normally my year would have been filled with mini adventures – I’d be out doing stuff and planning future mini adventures. Distractions perhaps but equally things that contributed to my happiness and well being. Working daft hours but then having more time at home to dwell on stuff too hasn’t helped and things have come to a head so seek help I must.

We were sat having tea the other night and I said that by looks of things, I was probably going to end up forever single – not unlikely to be honest. And probably childless too. The body clock will run out and even though I’m sat on the fence about having children – my fear is that I will decide one day that that’s what I really want.

The 18 year old me thought that by time she was my age, I’d have settled down, got married, had children – career etc etc. None of which has happened. To be honest – it’s probably not that uncommon that plans/thoughts at 18 don’t happen but still. There’s still a part of me that just wants to settle down and have babies but I don’t know if that in itself is actually what I want.

I do know though that I would like to stop feeling angry and pissed off. I’d also like to lose the fear of being hurt again. Hopefully – just hopefully – counselling/therapy might help. We shall see.

Rest, Reflection and Reading

Time flies doesn’t it? It’s a week since Outlaw X – the buzz has just about worn off. The race pictures are out and I have had time to sit and think about things and reflect – like all good athletes should do. I’ve even had the week off the day job to recover. It has been strangely blissful. I also received my email about my Level 2 Triathlon Coaching course this week and after last time, I’ve decided to crack on.

So a week of reflecting, resting and reading – what has come of it.

Well on the resting front – I really haven’t done much. Went to yoga (that was painful!), two stretch classes, coached swim, slept a bit, read a bit, mooched a bit and tutored. I also sat and reflected on my race. It has been quite blissful really.

My thoughts still stand from the last blog about the race (see here) – I have decided that I am going to have another go next year and I am just waiting for entries to open, which should be in the next week or so. I have also found my love for triathlon again. I have only done two triathlons this year, swimming and cycling took over really. Unsurprising as they are my favourite disciplines, but… after sitting down and working out how to cut some time off next year, I feel like going sub 7 and knocking off 35 minutes is more than achievable – as long as I remain run fit!

How am I going to get better? The wandering reflections….

Swim – I need to sort my back/shoulder out. I am hoping it is just tightness but 8 months ago, and my last sprint triathlon, I was managing a really good pace and my CSS was down to 1:51 – at the moment it is back up to about 2:00 – partly due to a sore/tight back. Starts to whinge at about 1500m. I also need to do more OW swimming – more consistently – at least once a week from May onwards I think. As I am slower in OW. If I managed to replicate 1:50/100m in OW, and in a race, it would knock off about 4 minutes. Swimming is also my favourite disciple as we know so hopefully

Bike – If I can average 17mph on the bike, I will knock off at least 15 minutes off my bike time – which is not impossible, so long as my training over winter is consistent. I actually need to keep it up and probably get in some speed sessions. I am also keen to improve my skills on the TT bike and possibly ride Outlaw X on the TT. Better structured training would be wise too!

Running – This is the biggest issue for me. It is my least favourite part. My knee injury is now, hopefully, on the mend – I need desperately to keep on top of strength and conditioning work going forward (this is part of my winter plan – dial back on actual swim, bike, run – and do a bit more gym work). Come back stronger and reduce risk of injury! I am going to speak to one of my mates who is a running coach and try and avoid junk mileage and find some way to measure improvement. I am planning on doing a bit of cross country this year so hopefully see some improvements over winter. My next running race, excluding XC, is CTS Northumberland. I also have a half marathon booked in too at Edinburgh. My half marathon PB is 2:30, so even if I ran/walk Outlaw X in better condition than this year, I should easy knock 15 minutes off (2:45 half marathon) and if I can keep injury at bay, improve my running and technique and come off the bike as strong as I did last week – I would like to aim for a 2:30 half marathon. 2:45 would do….

Transition – well, so long as it isn’t raining, I shall be better next year – I probably should practice transition, and do some brick sessions along the way…

I have further been reflecting on how I am going to map out my training as the plan I started on this year clearly didn’t work or fit my life/work commitments. I need to probably say no to a few things as well! I am about to start my L2 Coaching course and I have started reading up ahead of time – there is a lot to get through and it is really making me think about my own training and phasing it out.

Putting all this together – I am actually feeling excited about next season and training, but equally at the moment, I am enjoying not feeling an pressure to swim/bike/run and have relished having a full week off. The next few weeks are about keeping up the exercises from the physio, sorting out plan at the gym (need to make an appointment), and slowly getting back into swimming and cycling for the sheer enjoyment, without a particular goal.

I can see a plan slowly starting to form…