Taking a risk…

Before Christmas I rejoined POF (Plenty of Fish), the third attempt at online dating. Third time almost lucky. I’m back of it again, almost as quick.

It started so well – ended up dating a bloke who got past date three – and smashed his way, unknowingly, through my defences.

For the first time in I don’t know how long I was excited about dating and looking forward to seeing him and doing things and just about the possibility that I’d found someone lovely. Turns out I was in the right place emotionally but he wasn’t.

For various reasons, which are completely understandable but not mine to repeat here, he wasn’t ready for dating despite thinking he was. He freaked out and well, today it all ended so to speak.

A fleeting three weeks of dating.

I am usually pretty good at keeping my defences pretty high in the beginning of a relationship. I had a mini wobble/freak out about it earlier in the week, worried that I would end up liking him too much and end up hurting again.

Well reader. That happened. And far too quickly for my own liking.

I never expected to just feel like I had ‘fallen’ so quickly. I am upset that its over before it really started and I’m upset because he’s upset and not happy. He is such a lovely person and this just compounds the whole situation.

It feels a bit like going though the break up with the Ex and its brought back all the awful feelings and memories of that hurt – and this is after only three weeks. I took a risk to see how it would go and I am glad I did but I am now moping, feeling shook up and like I could do with a good cry.

Although – trying to look on the bright side… for him, I think dating has been the shock he needed to go get help. He’s said it himself that he didn’t seek help and that really he thinks this proves he has do. I hope he does, he really deserves to be happy but I think it is going to take a while. I haven’t dated anyone as lovely before I don’t think. This is good for him but rubbish for me because I really think we would have been a good match and I really do think I ‘fell’ for him. Quite hard.

For me though, after roping in the support team (excellent friends) – well. I suppose it shows that I have been right to be picky (good single blokes are still out there, just hiding/elusive) and that I should trust my judgement more as with the other dates I just  knew it wasn’t right, or they weren’t ‘the one’ so to speak, even when they were nice people. Its also proved that dating can be good and exciting and that I can want to see someone again. It’s proven that there are good people still out there that aren’t going to annoy the living daylights out of me in the first few days/weeks. On the negative side to this, its reminded me that it can be fun and reminded me what I’ve been missing being in a relationship/being with someone and that for the right one, I will find a way to make time.

All for the good but at this moment in time, I want to bawl my eyes out because I am heartbroken. Three weeks! Thats it. Its mental. And that makes me want to bawl even more. And no, for the cynics out there, it wasn’t the idea of being in love or a relationship – it was just him.

Back to nursing a bruised, sore and broken heart and back to square one.

An Open Letter to the Ex

Just to give some background to how I have come to write this – I have always felt there have been things left unsaid, that I feel need to be said – for me to get off my chest to the ex just how his actions/behaviour affected me and for him to own his responsibility for his poor behaviour. I cant remain annoyed or angry forever and for the first time in a while, I am in a really good place, starting to find my mojo again and after speaking to a few mates about this – this might just be cathartic.

I even managed to be nice to him yesterday.

To my Ex,

It’s about 18 months since I had to pull you up and say ‘You don’t want to be with me anymore do you?’. This is the crux of why I have still been quite angry until recently. Your lack of balls. You behaved badly in the last few months we were together – I had put it down to stress with training and work, then one night, your behaviour was that of a complete and utter knob and I knew.

The pain in the realisation was awful. I was driving back down Castle Howard drive, heading home after swimming. The penny suddenly dropped. How I drove home I will never know.

Your lack of courage to even say to my FACE – your reply – and then to not meet and discuss this BREAK UP until the weekend? Cowardly. I still can’t believe it was me that had to insist that it was the next day. Leaving yours with only a small bag of possessions and my bike was a sad reflection of eight years together.

You said that these ‘feelings’ or lack of, had been developing for a while and that you had hoped that they would go away – so basically burying your head in the sand. Well, experience should tell you this never works. You took away ANY possibility of this being something more joint – of me having some knowledge or say in the matter. For us to figure out if there was something we could have done to have saved it. Was the eight years together not worth trying to save? Or at least put more effort into saving? Did it mean so little to you? That might be harsh but that’s how it felt. You took any choice/decision/power out of my hands. Gradually acting more of a knob and more of a recluse. With hindsight, seeing as you were soon set up with your current girlfriend, there wouldn’t have been a hope in hell either way. Not having any control of it, having it taken out of my hands made it harder to deal with.

I think there were a few give aways. Before I asked you to marry me, you were distance. You were at Christmas. Again, I put it down to stress. Maybe I should have said or asked if things were ok – but I think you would still have continued to have buried your head and not told me. I loved you so much and was excited that hopefully we would maybe be able to settle down and that things would calm down after Ironman. I asked you to marry me. Your reaction – well. I wasn’t wanting to set a date! Just some sign of commitment. To me. To us. Your reaction sticks in my head. It should have been exciting, something to celebrate. The lack lustre attention around my birthday – compared to the normal fuss. A few other things stick out too. The lack of enthusiasm about settling down together?

The signs were there really – why couldn’t you have just had the balls to say something sooner? If you knew you were developing feelings for her – why not at least try focusing on us, and trying to figure us out? I don’t even care if you actually cheated on me – its more the fact that you dragged it out.

What I have come to realise that I wasn’t the problem and there is nothing I could actually have done.  The issue is yours and yours alone and like I said to you at the time, you will probably repeat your behaviour. As soon as your current girlfriend wants more commitment from you, more than you are willing to give, you will bolt. You will likely break her heart. Unless, like your ex, she gets wise and leave you first – because this is a definite theme.

After we broke up. Sorry. After you dumped me. I lost you – and my second family (the second blow!) but equally I learned quite a bit, which opened my eyes and made me realise a LOT of things. Other things people have mentioned too, continue to help me realise that actually you probably did me a massive favour and I have probably had a lucky escape. It’s taken me a while to get to this point though.

After the split, I was became very ill, very quickly. There is no diet quite like the heartbreak diet. Mind you, being well under the 10 stone mark was fun. The emotional pain lasted longer. I physically got stronger but remained emotionally broken for a long time. The hurt, pain and anger that comes with any break up. Some of it still remains.

My friends saved me. Completely and utterly. I am eternally grateful for their love and support, which has been solid and dependable – even today. They have let me be myself and helped me heal, despite the scars that remain.

Over time, I found my feet. My reaction was to go buy a bike, buy a business and prove that I could manage without you. Prove myself capable. Since you dumped me, I have done more than I could ever possibly imagine me doing. After your first IM, you said that the next year would be about my racing and you supporting me. You never did. You decided you were doing IM again and I supported you. In fact, in all honesty, I think you (unintentionally) held me back and I forgot who I was. I been away on my own, I’ve traveled on my own. I own and run a business. I have tried new things I never thought I would. I have done my half-iron and done races I have wanted to do – even going off on my own to race. I have focused on me and found that I am stronger and more capable than I ever knew. I have had so much more fun and I have found my spontaneity! I have the closest, best group of friends that rallied round and supported me and still do.

The only thing you said was that was actually truthful was that I deserved better.  I did deserve better and I continue to deserve better. Heaven forbid any bloke trying to date me now.

No longer will I bend over backwards and do all the chasing – because lets face it, I did most of the running in our relationship. No longer will I forget who I am and I will do things for me.

It has been a long journey to get to where I am.

I want to let it go – I do, but equally I just want you to acknowledge the suffering you inflicted – to know – what ever you may have been torturing yourself with before the break up, is not a patch on the effect it had on me. You could have had the guts to say something sooner.

I have grown. I am me. On my own, independent and strong. Brave and unafraid.

Remaining bitter doesn’t serve a purpose and the bitterness is fading. I am not sure how far off I am of forgiving – and doubt I will ever forget – but at this moment in time I think your problems are probably far bigger than any of mine.

Finally – what ever has happened in the past has happened and nothing will change that. I am far better off without you, but avoiding events that there is a likelihood we are both going to be at or want to be at, serves no purpose. I hated for a long, long time, but this has changed to something I’m not sure about. I am not sure how I feel, only that writing this has helped.

I’ve read this back and it sounds harsh in places but I felt it needed to be said. Time is a healer to an extent – and I am not sure I am completely there – just don’t expect me to ever hold you in the same regard I once did. Actions tend to speak louder than words.

Your Ex.

Chillswim Coniston End to End 5.25 miles

The 31st of August 2019 may go down as a day that I decided never to swim again.

Temporarily anyway. I’m waiting for sleep and time to dull the painful memories.

It’s already fading as it is and I am beginning to think that I actually might have enjoyed it – in a type 2 kinda way!

So the decision to do the End to End was made nearly a year ago. A year ago when I went to watch and support friends. I walked up a hill to watch from afar – little spots in the water in the far distance swimming beautiful calm water in a beautiful calm part of the world. I was wishing I was in the water – not watching!

I decided that I would have to give it ago, and low and behold, Saturday morning came round and I found myself stood next to a lake wondering what I had let myself in for.

This weekends adventure started as we left York – I say we, as there was one of my mates, his gorgeous pooch and myself, all packed and loaded into the car and on our way – and already planning/researching an epic trip for next year! We stopped en-route at a fish and chip shop in Kirby Stephen that has not seen any modernisation in about 30 years (except maybe the till). They weren’t bad for all I mock. The second stop was Kendal before arriving quite late into Coniston. By this time we had already learnt that the swim had been put back five hours due to the weather forecast which meant we had time for a drink and chance of a lie in. Winning!

Morning came round and breakfast consumed – we wandered down to register and investigate the water (walk the dog and attempt some geocaching – we even bumped into Sean Conway!) and waste some time. Milling about waiting is actually harder than it looks. Our complacency though backfired as we realised the time – quickly scoffing some lunch before getting changed (I have NEVER put a wetsuit on as fast in my life) and heading to get the bus to the start line.

For once I didn’t feel nervous. I knew I could do the distance but that it might be uncomfortable – my kit was all ok, ear plugs in, hats on – even booties – which was a good call! Checked in, scoffed a snickers, stuffed one up my sleeve and finally got in to the water and off. And a water temp of 17 – I knew I could swim in that happily!

So far so good. Managed to keep up with one of my mates to the second food station. Was struggling a bit with sighting and a bit off initially but the first half was quite uneventful – I cant say easy – it wasn’t and some of the food stations meant getting so close to shore you had to walk out of the water. The real fun came between miles 3 and 4 – the sun had been out for the first half and considering the rain and wind of the morning – the afternoon was looking promising. Then the wind got up and the rain started. One the plus side I saw a rainbow and didnt notice the rain so much! Mile 4 or rather at the 6km mark, my shoulder started to give me issues and I debated getting out and DNF-ing. I am a bit stubborn though and I could not have worn the hoodie if I had so I carried on and the last mile was the worst!

After the fourth feed station pain, boredom and negative self talk started. My shoulder was making me miserable, I was struggling to see the five mile buoy and I misjudged the finish – like a few others. I also needed the loo – anyone who knows me, knows how hard I find it!

It seemed to take forever. All hopes of coming in in under three and a half hours were shot and I just wanted to finish. I have never been so happy to see a finish line!

The photos of me exiting the water say it all!

My mate was waiting for me as I wandered out of the water, down the finishing shoot and to the exit – first two things to sort were my need to go to the loo and food. Both satisfied – we got the buses back to the registration point. Lots of people around me mentioned that they had found it harder than last year and the conversations since suggest that a lot of people were about 20 minutes slower than they expected – which makes me feel somewhat better about the the 3:50 when I know I can do it in under 3:30!

Achy and sore, both my friend and I wandered back to our cottage and got showered before heading out for a drink and then eating tea. Wetsuits in the drying room, fed and watered, bed called. I have never been more happy to go to bed!

Still woke up tired though, but less painful memories of the swim!

As for the event itself – considering the delays – communication was excellent, organisation was excellent, the volunteers and safety crew were excellent and the whole set up fab. It really was worth doing and is worth doing – just because!

And yes, I was glad I wore booties and had snickers up my sleeve!

Will I do it again?

Ask me in a week or two!

The FEAR of Dating

Dating.

I really dislike it.

Its hard work. Its effort. Its time consuming.

And I am not sure if it is currently worth it.

I was on the verge of deleting Bumble (for those that don’t know – a dating app where women have to strike up the conversation) but after swim, waiting for friends, I was sat swiping left/right. To cut a long story short – I’ve been on a couple of dates with a bloke with similar interests and what not.

First date went well. so did the second. He hasn’t really annoyed me yet but that isn’t the issue/main concern that’s making me write this down.

I am, put simply, terrified.

I have realised how much I am enjoying being single, not having to consider someone else, not having to ‘answer’ to anyone, not having to make time for someone (and thats how it feels sometimes) and the thought of giving all the perks of being single is suddenly quite daunting. Also learning someones habits and thought processes, their experiences/expectations.  I think I am actually a wee bit scared of being hurt again. Of risking liking someone to be so badly let down. All of a sudden its like the FEAR has been put in me. With my friends and nearest and dearest – I love them to bits and trust them – but thats a different kind of relationship – but to let myself love someone again and put all my trust in them like before – well, quite frankly scares the hell out of me and I feel like I am closing myself off and finding issues/expecting it to be easy from the get go.

I told him that (as he works shifts) I would not be sat at home pinning for him along with a couple of other things but in all honesty I’m beginning to wonder whether I actually want a relationship or whether I am just scared of wasting/investing time and effort in to something when I’m not sure – we’ve hit it off fairly well but it’s me who is finding this is all a bit hard and a bit overwhelming. He’s mentioned coming to support at some of my upcoming races – which is a lovely gesture and I suppose I should be flattered but in all honesty – I don’t want him there but I can’t quite explain why. Randomly, I was voicing these concerns to my hairdresser and she knew what I meant. Ive become so independent and enjoying suiting myself that I am finding this prospect of dating/not being single, really quite hard.

Everyone keeps telling me I just need to take it slowly.

Everyone keeps telling me when it’s right, that I will know.

I thought I knew with the last one.

I got that disastrously wrong.

Emotional Recovery

This blog post has been written and re-written a few times over the last week or two It is also rather long! The original draft I blurted out after a week of being very tired (and suffering DOMS) and emotionally a bit out of sorts – not helped by watching Rocketman at the cinema.

But seeing as tonight is the year anniversary of the official beginning of the end so to speak, it does feel fitting and somewhat cathartic to sit and reflect.

This post is very much about emotional recovery as opposed to physical (although I’m catching up on rest now and realise I need 7 hours of sleep a night to really function!).

Brief background

Today is the Summer Solstice – this time last year I was swimming in a lovely little lido in North Yorkshire – knowing full well something wasn’t right. I knew things hadn’t been right for a while but I’d put it down to stress. This particular night though he was mega distance – more so than normal and driving home I just knew.

I texted him ‘You don’t want to be with me any more do you?’ and the response?

‘I didnt want to do this over text’

So essentially – he didn’t want to be with me. His behaviour highlighting his cowardice more than anything. I had to pull him up. I had to hit the nail on the end. Eight years. Just like that. All for another woman essentially. Far from repeat myself – take a look here for the full story.

So one year on….

I am still single.

But emotionally I am in a far better place. Don’t get me wrong, there is some lingering bitterness – understandably but it’s fading. Rising above it all and in the words of a mate ‘remaining classy’ has, at times, being very difficult – but same said mate is my voice of reason and go to when I need reminding of this!

Things that I have realised:

I have had a lucky escape – so many people have mentioned how boring the ex is/was. Family and friends. Even now ‘he seems a bit 2D’ – this made me laugh. I’ve thought about this and actually theres some truth, though I wonder how much of this is related to him falling out of love with me and falling in love with someone else – but I don’t know so much – when he left old job, I hoped that we would do more spontaneous things – and we never did. In 8 years we never even lived together. Clearly he wasn’t the one, and thank the heavens we never got married. His loss will be someone else gain. Hindsight is a wonderful thing and two failed marriages which didn’t last as long as our relationship, and then our eight year relationship – he has some serious issues to sort out (as soon as any woman demands commitment out of him he bolts/behaviour changes). My dad always said he’d never marry me!

Being single and independent – is A LOT OF FUN! Don’t get me wrong, sometimes it’s quite hard and I’ve had to make myself go out and do things. Quite often though I have managed to rope others in! I can suit myself without considering someone else – which has been an amazing feeling – after being in a relationship for 12 years and never being single as an adult…. anyway – lesson learnt – retain some independence. Be my own person. I do miss having that person who always has your back, if that makes sense. I was talking to the girls at work and they got what I meant!

Friends (and family) – I’ve found out who my mates really are and what they are made of – this includes virtual friends I have made over Twitter! I am in a far better place because of their love, support and enduring patience. As well as a lot of ribbing and piss taking. They keep me grounded. There are no words to explain/convey my love and gratitude for everything over the last year and in general. Someone mentioned that I am pretty strong emotionally – and I had to explain that most of this is because I have this amazing set of people around me – that I have surrounded myself with, that I draw my strength from. I have accepted the support, leaned on them and moaned a bucketful and all they have shown me is love, care and support. Without them, I would not be where I am now. I’m also one of the youngest out of the lot of them and I trust their usual wisdom. Normally anyway. Apparently I am the bad influence. I don’t think I am. If any of my mates read this – some know about my blog/Twitter – massive thanks and love – you really are awesome!

I am more capable than I believed – I’ve done more random things in the last year than I think I ever have – honestly – buying a business, racing on my own, travelling about, on my own, fixing things, being self-reliant. Finding my own two feet and what makes me tick! Finding out who I am in relation to me, and not in terms of ‘a couple’.

Good sex is out there. Just saying.

Being selfish – first time single as an adult and I have been able to be completely selfish – and I’ve enjoyed it. Doing things/races I want to do. Sometimes you need to be selfish and be true to yourself – this links quite nicely back to the bit about being independent!

I also need to take less crap from blokes and probably be a bit less laid back in relationships – I hung around and waited 8 years for nothing – never demanded anything, had low expectations.

Making up for lost time – I have filled the last year with adventure – with saying ‘yes’ to as many things as possible, to living life to the fullest and doing stuff that I never dreamt I would. My bank balance isn’t happy but – I have no commitments and ties – and to be fair, I’ve done some serious adulating and sorted out my credit card. For all my little emotional wobbles – being single at 30/31 – has been be best adventure I have had for a long time but this does lead to some worries/concerns which are probably only natural.

General worries:

Starting again – will I ever trust anyone so completely again? Head is weary, heart says yes. I use one of the girls at work as living proof that things will come good.

Children – I don’t know if I want them. Part of me screams yes. Part of me is enjoying life too much to want them – no-one ever sells the joys of motherhood. This really worries me. I am worried about being an older mum. About settling down.

My expectations – My mum thinks I am being too picky – well I don’t want to waste another eight years on someone that isn’t right. I was talking to my boss about this just this afternoon and she doesn’t think its a case of me being picky but more a case of me having higher expectations, less willing to settle for second best and having a better idea of what I want in life/a partner.

Being lonely – sometimes I am, which is unusual. I miss having a partner-in-crime, a go-to person, someone to spoon/watch dodgy telly with. To spend time adventuring with – its always better with someone else.

Getting ‘stuck’ with the wrong person again. Goes without saying.

Not knowing what I want – I don’t plan ahead anymore – I don’t think, oh in x amount of years I want to have done/achieved/be… in the words of Graeme Obree – ‘be more seagull’. I am very much a believer that things happen for a reason – and always when I try and plan too far ahead – it never pans out like that.

The person I am now if very different to the one I was a year/eighteen months ago. Far more outgoing, no longer in someone else’s shadow, more confident and outgoing, braver and stronger. I’m a older, improved version of the 17 year old me I think. And for all her spunk – I rather like her!

The heartbreak, the split, life experience shapes you, but more importantly, life is what you make of it, and its there for the taking!

Mirror Mirror

‘Christmas is a season not only of rejoicing but of reflection.’ Winston Churchill

Wise words from Churchill himself.

I have actually done some reflecting, not quite intentionally, as a result of a random dream and random recent events that I won’t go into too much detail about. This year has been one of many ups and downs.

Well, I say many ups and downs, it started up, then went down majorly, then improved – more than I thought it would. In all honesty, I am in a far better place than I thought I would be and I am really excited about 2019 (my credit card isn’t so happy). I genuinely cant believe I’m sat here, six months post break up, in such a better place.

It is the first time I have been single for twelve years. Written down, that looks more tragic than I feel it is. I am starting to enjoy being single and as cliche as it sounds, finding out what makes me tick and makes me me again. A friend said to me the other day that she thought it was a good thing that I was still single and finding my feet. Clearly my ex wasn’t actually good enough for me (or good enough for any woman? or just not right for me? Not sure). I’m at the point where his new girlfriend is most welcome to him as when I sat and thought about it, I think I was too laid back and actually, I’ve realised quite a few things that again, for various reasons, were just not normal/right in a relationship that lasted that long. I suppose after the former boyfriend, things seemed more normal. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, and I do believe things happen and people come into your life (and out) for a reason – even if it isn’t clear at the time. The fog and confusion of a major break up is just about clear (some things still hurt occasionally but for the most part, the voodoo doll is away).

Anyway, on a more positive note…

As daft as it sounds, I feel like I’m reverting back to the teenage me, or rather, the 17 year old me – and I quite like her! Although I hope I am somewhat wiser than the 17 year old me. The flirting, having fun, no commitment, no considering other people’s plans – another mate asked me how I seem to be attracting blokes, but in all honesty, I like blokes, and even though the last one eventually showed his true colours, I know not all men are the same. In the same breath, I am also more aware that not all men are knights in shinning armour/have honest intentions – but so long as the intentions are clear – I am rather enjoying being single.

I am really looking forward to 2019 – I’ve so many things I want to do and develop – I’ve a new business that I want to build up and expand on, exciting races planned, training penciled in, a holiday booked and so many other things I want to do – I feel the world is at my feet. It’s just up to me to embrace it and see what happens.

So while I have been reflective – I am also rejoicing – the love of family and friends has got me through so much and I am eternally grateful for that. I am rejoicing that I am stronger than I thought and emotionally in such a better place.

2018/19, I think, may prove to be the making of me.

 

I am just a little bit excited!

Triathlon X Half Relay Antics

‘Empathy is about finding echos of another person in yourself’ Mohsin Hamid

I’ve rewritten this post more times than I care to remember before publishing. For various reasons – including being too wordy! September was a very busy month – three out of five weekends saw me travelling to the Lake District, all because of some link to the Tri Club, so not all bad.

So, why was I back in the Lakes?

The last Bank Holiday in August, a group of us went open water swimming. Not an usual event considering we’re triathletes, but this time, one of my friends – who doesn’t like swimming at the best of times, had a mini panic attack in the water. This led to a conversation about the fact that she had signed up to Triathlon X half and how she felt she couldn’t do it anymore. Two of us offered to do it for her if she could do it in relay. That turned out to be me. I had planned to come up anyway to cheer her on as I had nothing else on. So a couple of emails back and forth later and I was entered into Triathlon X half to do the swim! Now, TriX has a reputation. It is possibly the hardest triathlon (half and full) in the world. I definitely had the easy part. To put it in perspective, I was done with the swim by 8.44 – she was only finishing at 5pm – and she is an Age-group standard athlete for duathlon. If you want to see the elevation involved, I would just go search it if I were you.

Back to the race planning  – after a few conversations back and forth, I booked my own accommodation. It’s the first time I’ve stayed in a YHA on my own in a dorm room. I wasn’t sure what to expect but it was actually ok. It is nicer having your own room but for £27 and to be located right next to the start line, I wasn’t going to complain. I hadn’t booked breakfast knowing that I would be swimming and up early (6am to be precise). I also didn’t check out when I left for the swim. Knowing I’d be finished before 9am, I decided to wait so after swimming I could go get a shower. This turned out to be the best plan ever – who doesn’t want a warm shower after swimming in a cold lake?!

Drinking coffee and eating some oaty breakfast bar I heading over to transition and met my friends. Dressing in neoprene – literally head to toe – hat, gloves, booties as well as wetsuit was more than novel compared to normal. I had been feeling ok about the swim until the night before. Then nerves started to kick in. Although I’ve been swimming again more regularly, this was going to be my longest continuous swim since Leeds Tri in June (1500m) and the water was a lot colder than I normally like to swim in.

The actual Swim 

I can now say I have a far better understanding of what my mate feels about OW swimming.

Not that I am not empathetic – just that I have a better understanding and wish there was more I could do to help her.

Water temperature was 13.3 degrees. Coldest I’ve been swimming in for a long time, especially any distance! It was definitely warmer than it was in April though. It was a deep water start and there was about 135 of us but there wasn’t too much of a washing machine effect as normal – although I started near the back. I spent the first 3/400m wondering what on earth I was doing? Debated getting out, decided I hated OW swimming, wondered how I was going to make it all the way round etc etc. It was awful. I’m not usually negative when I’m swimming but the first part was just awful. If this is even a fraction of how those who dislike/hate swimming feel – wow. This was bad enough and I am a fairly confident swimmer and love being in the water normally.

I finally found some sort of rhythm after I got past the first triangular buoy at about 800m and started to enjoy it. I was surprisingly warm (thank you neoprene!) and took it steady – to try and save my shoulder. The last 200m were cold and long but I was apparently smiling when I got out. Was a bit annoyed with myself as my time was 44.17 and I know full well I could have done a sub 40. My mini stress at the beginning and have to physically stop a couple of times to sight properly and get my bearings definitely didn’t help. My shoulder still isn’t perfect either but it’s only twinging a bit at the moment. I really need to rest it up I think and make sure I keep stretching it out.

I will point out though, that I was smiling when I got out – and dare I say it, I finally managed to enjoy it!

Racing in relay

Racing in relay was new, but the nature of the race (see comments about about elevation), meant I was actually quite glad I’d finished. I definitely feel I had the easiest part of the race. There was a picture of my friends stood watching the swim looking so worried. It turns out they actually were. A few got out during the swim and DNF’d – that worried them. The temperature worried them. My mates nerves got to her. The picture in question is worthy of a caption competition to be fair!

I got out of the water and hung around long enough to see my friend disappear up the road on her bike and I went and got a shower and changed. It was going to be quite a long day. I wasn’t completely on my own though. My day consisted of eating and drinking and generally wandering about until about 5pm when my friend finished. I do not know how she did it, and I am in genuine awe of her achievements. She is so unassuming, quiet and quite shy – I don’t think she realises her own strength, stubbornness and determination. I suppose that’s why I love her, and was more than happy to jump in a cold lake for her. I’d do it again too!

Playing at Pines

‘And at the end of the day, your feet should be dirty, your hair messy and your eyes sparkling.’ Shanti

After waiting a week to have a proper play on the new cyclocross bike (now known as the Ridders), the mudguards came off, the chain was given a quick clean and the brakes given a bit of adjustment – the time had come to actually go and play. The bikes were bundled into the back of the car and the mini road trip to Sherwood Pines was done.

I had been looking forward to this all week. I am not a fan of mountain bikes really, coming from a roadie background, I don’t think this is that surprising. So the cross bike was really a more natural choice. I initially felt a bit out of place – ours were the only CX bikes there and I’ve never ridden in SPD Mountain bike cleats but that passed. Quick. Initial start wasn’t good – one cleat on upside down had resulted in frustration in not being able to clip in, but once rectified, it was time to go and play.

Heading to Sherwood Pines has been on my To Do list for quite a while – but with it being down in Nottinghamshire, I never really got chance to go. Sherwood Pines is a lot flatter than Dalby Forest, and we initially started out on the Blue route – well, my bike handling skills need some work but on the most part – it was so much fun! In my head, it was the cycling equivalent of trail/XC running. I was not really far off. Absolutely loved bombing around the course and not really worrying about speed – so much so I was wishing we’d done two (next time). Even had a bit of a cheeky play on some of the red route sections.

I love my roadies – don’t get me wrong, but this was just so much fun! I’ve got to do some serious practise but for a first attempt, it wasn’t bad! Itchy feet to be back must be a good sign right?

As for having a go at racing – I think it is definitely on the cards – especially after talking to one of the club members this afternoon. I feel this can only be a good thing for my road cycling. I am, however, glad that it hadn’t been awful weather before hand!

Late night musings of the heart.

‘Remember that sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck.’ – Dalai Lama

This is very much a late night musing as I’m wide awake and overthinking. I’ve lost count of how many weeks it is since he left me for another woman and despite there still being some pain and rawness – for the most part it’s gone. I’m not quite at the ‘not caring’ stage as such but I don’t think that’s far off – I’m not avoiding him as much as he’s avoiding me! However, some realisations have been made and it’s been interesting. Helped by putting the world to rights. I feel the urge to list them. Are you sitting comfortably?

Here goes….Not particularly in order….

Realisations about ‘us’/him/our relationship:

  • As soon as a relationship requires commitment or work – he bolts. Turns out it’s a (very) reoccurring pattern. So why did we last so long you ask? I’m too laid back.
  • He’ll do the same to her. I await karma striking. When it does, I’ll probably be past caring, but it will.
  • On the same theme, he will grow into a lonely, old man. I did tell him this. He agreed.
  • He’ll never admit it, but I think one day he’ll regret what he’s done. Maybe not now – but one day. See above.
  • Both of them and their mates know what they’ve done isn’t on – trying to blend in and clearly feeling awkward. It’s obvious they all knew something was going on before I did. Genuinely don’t believe that they didn’t act/do anything before he left me.
  • He’s a complete coward (putting it mildly) and a poor example to good men out there despite appearances. Who knew eh?
  • Apparently eight years isn’t worth fighting for. It is apparently acceptable to just bury your head in the sand and hope problems will magically go away.
  • I put more effort in than him.
  • He put me in situations where clearly he aimed to spend time with her while appearing to spend time with me.
  • Turns out I was the supportive one. More on this below.
  • This list could go on but it would get very bitchy and sweary. So I shall leave it at that.

Realisations about my mates and myself.

  • I was too bloody nice! This harks back to last point above. I can’t think of one race that I did because I wanted to, that he didn’t, that he came and supported me at. I either did same races as him or he did same race as me. There’s been things I’ve really wanted to do (SUP) that he’s had no interest in and he hasn’t supported me in (although I’ll admit he was quite supportive while I did my PGCE – the levels of support given to him between career change and triathlon make his support seriously pale in comparison!). I also did 95% of the running in our relationship too and when I was stressing every week about kit I needed – absolutely no understanding whatsoever about how this was starting to affect me.
  • I have THE greatest friends in the world. Honestly. There’s a core bunch of about 7 or 8 people that, without them, I’d be in a far worse place. They have listened and supported without moaning – at least to me – about it. Been sympathetic, got me out doing stuff and generally been all round awesome. Some of this has also come from unexpected places as well – so beyond that core 7/8 people there has been some wider support from club mates/Twitter and beyond that has surprised me and helped me. Checking in on me and making sure to nag me to eat/stay positive/tell me exactly what I’ve needed to hear. I am eternally grateful.
  • I’ve pretty much put the voodoo doll away (this relates to a conversation at a TT a few weeks ago – ‘You’re going to have to put that voodoo doll away eventually’ after a long moan about what o should have done.
  • Staying on the theme of friends. They really are the family you choose for yourself. Surrounding yourself with good people is a great healer.
  • I am made of stronger stuff than I realise. Coming out of the pit of despair that was the break up – a friend mentioned this week about how strong I’ve been dealing with things and rising above things. My world was shattered to the core and it’s foundations when he left me. I’ve had no choice but to rebuild it. No point in hanging around. There maybe odd tweaks on the way but life is for living.
  • My self esteem/confidence isn’t too bad but even I need an ego boost occasionally. Turns out I am actually desirable and not at all past it. Not that I ever thought I was past it but I was beginning to wonder if there was something wrong with me!
  • Being single for the first time as a fully fledged adult is interesting and actually fun – I’ve not had time to sit and dwell too much – I’m too busy doing so much random stuff – and things I want to do! I don’t have to hang around waiting for anyone, I can go meet new people, I don’t have to consider anyone else.
  • Which leads on to – any future relationship – I need to remember to be my own person and do what makes me happy more. Life is too short to be a sheep that merely follows. I did too much of that.
  • I can, in fact, look after my bikes myself and sort out stuff. And be organised. Far more self reliant.
  • I’ve less patience for nonsense.
  • Did I mention I have the best mates ever?
  • I am braver than I realise too. I’ve big plans and they are scary. With little to lose – why not?
  • There are still plenty of single blokes out there. That’s been an interesting wake up call! I’m seeing life/dating in a whole different light and I’ve a better sense of self and just what I don’t want. Probably more so than what I do want actually.
  • I’ve spent more time with my cousins – this is quite a big deal actually as there’s a group that are close and I always wanted to be in their crowd – they’ve always looked out for me but it’s really come into its own recently. Definitely feel much closer – and at the end of the day, family and friends – ultimately relationships are are what matter and the love that goes with it.
  • Love heals.
  • My heart will recover. My heart is recovering.

Yes I wanted to marry him and yes I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. There were a lot of things I thought I wanted. I can’t really regret anything. I’ve gained/learnt/done more than I could have imagined over last 8 years. But it’s beginning to look like I’ve had a lucky escape – everything happens for a reason and it may just turn out to be the greatest stroke of luck it happening now!

Second Shock and Recovery

I have not broken your heart…you have broken it; and in breaking it, you have broken mine. – Emily Bronte, Wuthering Heights

It’s been a mixed few days. Monday was a horrible day, the shock of Sunday was still raw, I hadn’t eaten at all in days (well, not properly) and I nearly passed out at work. Tuesday was a far better day, although that could be because it started with a good, decent swim. Swim does that to me. Today, Wednesday, has been reasonably ok – I’ve even had my regular customers as well as friends checking up on me, making sure I’m eating. So that’s a current round up of where I am physically. I am gradually managing to eat a bit more, and keep it in too – I am managing some training too. Emotions have been a roller coaster though but to relate it to sort – recovery seems to be kicking in – but I would like to feel happy again. Soon preferably.

I’ve tried not to over think or dwell too much on events. I was a state on Monday, finding out he had lied and that there was another woman involved, worse that it was who I expected. This brings us to the quote above. I didn’t break his heart – he head was turned, it was him who didn’t try to prevent his feelings or work on his feelings for me – relationships do take work, and clearly with him, loyalty, trust and faith in what we had being real, wasn’t enough, but in doing this, his heart ‘breaking’, not loving me enough, he has completely broken mine. The pain is still raw and I have never felt pain like it.

My feelings have shifted to anger in one respect. Part of me hopes that he will live to regret what he has done but I suspect he won’t. The shock is wearing off now – I need to start trying to look forward. Speaking to friends, and the support they have given, has been amazing. I could sit here all day and write about how angry I feel at the moment with everything and how much I hurt – and I was going to. Especially yesterday, but today, has been better, I’m also annoyed that I have tried emailing him to sort out the booked holiday and got nothing back. The sooner we get things sorted the sooner I can cut ties.

Today I have eaten, I have started thinking about future races and plans. I have been to the gym, bumped into a friend there and got a S&C plan in place. I’m going to sit down at the weekend and figure out what to do next – or at least gather some ideas. Whether that’s teaching abroad, taking on a tutoring business, travelling or something completely different. I am trying hard to keep busy and think about the future and all the things I could do that maybe I couldn’t before. I need something to focus on and joining the gym is the start of that.

Looking forward, far enough to the weekend at least, I’ve some good plans – off SUP-ing with my cousins on Saturday (my core is going to hurt on Sunday) and catching up with a friend and race planning for next year on Sunday. I’m off work next week too,  The world is my oyster I suppose – and who knows what might happen? Hopefully my next posts will be more training focused rather than moping, feeling sorry for myself!

But sport may just prove to be my saving grace.