Tag: recovery

Realisations

Its been an interesting couple of years. Lack of mojo, lack of energy and a lack of enthusiasm/feeling of excitement. Although it feels like a corner has been turned!

Positives

Trying new stuff without too much planning: In May, I took a step out of my comfort zone and coupled with one of my friends we took the ferry from Hull to Rotterdam with our bikes, with only hostels booked. It was fabulous. So much so, I am taking my bike on two trains and a ferry to meet the same friend in Calais to camp and cycling around North France with even less planning….

Bring. It. On.

(After a £450/500 bill on a bike that originally cost me £450….)

Saying no/re-evaluating what I do with my time: I am stepping down from the committee I’m on and it’s looking like I probably wont be coaching much, if at all, in the autumn, which I cant say I’m upset about.

Mission mortgage: Is all systems go. I am willing to do the OT hours at work, but have to say, a bit of a break from tutoring over the summer is a welcome rest – grown up stuff.

Swim swim swim: I WANT to swim. I have started swimming more regularly and I am tempted to have another go at Coniston end to end.

Cycling love: following on from the Netherland… I have finally bought a cycling computer (a Wahoo Bolt) and wanting to ride my bike more. Might even make the last TT race next week.

Negatives

Multisport races: Head is not in the game but I suspect that the cold and lack of OW swimming didn’t help. One aquabike booked – DNS’d it. No regrets but it was a cold day spectating!

My shoulder/back is not happy: Old niggle is back but coupled with a poor position at work i suspect. May need some more investigation.

Overall – more positives than negatives…. though the niggly back/shoulder is quite a major one atm…

After a long respite….

About a week ago I got a notification that my hosting and web domain needed renewing – which has, it part, prompted me to write again. I have been reflecting.

I’ve wanted to write but equally not wanted to write as well but life has a funny way of getting in the way of things.

I’ve already mentioned it to a few friends, but in all honest, I suspect I have spent the last 18 months with a mild, low level kind of depression. Just going through the motions, knowing I should be looking forward to something and being excited while at the same time not actually feeling anything, almost flatlining emotionally through life. It’s taken me a long time to actually realise and properly notice it too and it’s only looking back, and the fact that I am feeling more excited about things that I know something was amiss.

I’m not going to compare it to the level of depression that I know some people have to deal with. It’s been a low lying, sitting in the background for me, that i suspect has been brought on partly from longer last impact of covid and shift of routine as a result and but from also working too hard and trying to do too much.

Anyway, coupled with a new job, and a determination NOT to over work myself – I have purposely not booked in lots of races, cut back on training for a bit and generally cut down on trying to write ‘to do’ lists I feel like I might be coming out the otherside. I’ve also done things I fancy, and not done things I don’t want to and refused point blank to feel guilty about it. I suspect I have been demanding too much of myself and trying to fit too much in.

I have spent the last two weekends away and this weekend just gone I actually felt a bit excited for – and I am actually genuinely starting to feel excite again about things. This bodes well.

I’m looking at races again – and with my Y11s going, and starting to find a routine with the new job -well. Things are looking much more rosy than they have for a while.

May normal(ish) service commence.

Lost Mojo

It’s January since I last wrote anything. Simply because I have/had lost complete mojo for most things. It’s been a bit of an odd eight months really – and not in a good way. General lack of energy or enthusiasm for anything really and I am sure there are numerous factors, some symptoms of mild depression in there too I think but that’s by the by. Things feel marginally better than they did and I want to actually train and do stuff. I feel more like me than I have for a while. Somethings still aren’t right but it’s going in the right direction. I took the decision to try not to be too hard on myself and just ride it out but it has been frustrating.

Trying to train consistently or even wanting to train has been lacking. I managed to lighten some of my workload (partly) and lighter nights are definitely helping. The fact I am writing this now is a positive sign that things are possibly getting better. Hopefully… we will see.

I just have to stop procrastinating.

Apparently I am running tomorrow. Might even swim too.

Famous. Last. Words.

Decision Made

Long time coming as I’ve been debating it for a while but when you realised you’ve screwed up, you know it’s time you did something about it so tonight I’ve emailed a local counsellor and going to actually seek some help.

I can’t carry on being a grumpy bitter cow bag. It’s not fair on anyone and the amount of time that’s gone by – I really should be in a better place. Covid certainly hasn’t helped. Normally my year would have been filled with mini adventures – I’d be out doing stuff and planning future mini adventures. Distractions perhaps but equally things that contributed to my happiness and well being. Working daft hours but then having more time at home to dwell on stuff too hasn’t helped and things have come to a head so seek help I must.

We were sat having tea the other night and I said that by looks of things, I was probably going to end up forever single – not unlikely to be honest. And probably childless too. The body clock will run out and even though I’m sat on the fence about having children – my fear is that I will decide one day that that’s what I really want.

The 18 year old me thought that by time she was my age, I’d have settled down, got married, had children – career etc etc. None of which has happened. To be honest – it’s probably not that uncommon that plans/thoughts at 18 don’t happen but still. There’s still a part of me that just wants to settle down and have babies but I don’t know if that in itself is actually what I want.

I do know though that I would like to stop feeling angry and pissed off. I’d also like to lose the fear of being hurt again. Hopefully – just hopefully – counselling/therapy might help. We shall see.

Lil’bit of Turbo love in…

Seeing as I can’t swim – the bike has been getting all the attention. This week though – well – I thought doing two spin sessions, a virtual TT and a 50km virtual club ride was an excellent idea….

The two spin sessions – Monday and Thursday – went well – really enjoying them and loving the fact that I am getting my cycling legs back. These have become weekly staples in my week where everything else is a bit up in the air. I’ve even managed to tag along to some Zwift group rides too. More on this later.

But on Friday, sporting DOMS, I decided that doing a virtual club TT on Zwift was a wise idea. I love time trials. I love the feeling after putting the effort in. I love the single mindedness of the effort. I love the fact that its just you against the clock, it takes the pressure off thinking about what everyone else is doing. I had also forgotten JUST HOW HARD they are. In fact, I think turbo based TTs are actually harder. It also reminded me how rubbish I am at warming up before hand. It wasn’t even that long an effort! But a race mind set kicked in, in a way that it doesn’t if you are just training or riding (proving that as soon as it’s a ‘race’ mindset and effort changes). It still hurt! By the end I was wondering how the planned Saturday morning ride was going to go!

The weather on Saturday mooning, although cooler than last weekend, was almost nice enough to tempt me to sack off the virtual club ride with chat over discord so I could ride outside. I resisted though. I often work Saturdays and I miss group rides – I miss riding with people! So just before 10am this morning, set up with two water bottles, discord app up and running with headphones and sat on the turbo, so began 2 hours 13 minutes of staring at a screen and turning my legs. Longest turbo session to date and only manageable due to the virtual and distance company of knowing that six fellow club members and mates were doing exactly the same thing.

Major kudos to anyone doing longer sessions and the 24 hour challenges! The same times and distance is certainly easier outside – if only because my backside hurts less! I mean, I was happy to finish but seriously – roll on being able to go out on actual group rides!

So now I am sat here, Sunday morning, with a wee bit of a to do list and still tired legs. I was debating actually going for a run today and having a bit of a go at the IM virtual race as it’s a sprint distance this weekend however, I think I really just need to chill and stretch out! So yoga and stretch is penciled in for later on and I am going to potter through my To Do list and rest.

(And MAYBE run tomorrow….)

First run back!

Today was the day I tried running.

I have nothing other to say* than…

NO KNEE PAIN!

*Ok so that quite true.

It wasn’t a continuous run – it was part of some coaching training I’ve been doing. The PT work has massively paid off in terms of pace and body position/technique and my change in physio has paid off as there was no pain today! Nothing. I have held off texting my PT and Physio as its a Sunday but tomorrow I will.

It wasn’t easy on my chest though. Breathing was interesting and I have lost so much fitness!

Fingers cross I can get back on it – I have never been so excited to be able to get back to doing my least favourite sport (of the three triathlon disciplines!).

Fingers crossed – knee recovery!

Those who know me, know that I do not really like running – although I haven’t run since September – this isn’t so much through choice but through injury. Fingers crossed the end is in sight!

Just as a recap… in June 2019 I finally got round to having a fit done on my TT bike (my beautiful Ridley Phaeton T). This proved to be the straw that broke the camels back and a slight adjustment in my cleat position resulted in issues with my knee that had a knock on effect on my running and to an extent, on my cycling. I started going to see a local physio in the summer – but 5/6 months on – still no joy.

So what to do for the best.

My last appointment with this physio was booked for the beginning of January but cancelled due to illness. I had already spoken to a podiatrist and got some supports – which seem to help and I had a decent sports massage last week – I booked an appointment with a different physio, recommended by the lad I was seeing over Christmas.

Roll on tonight and my appointment. Straight away I feel like finally someone might have a bit more of an inclinking about what is going on with my knee. She asked me what my gut reaction was – I said, after some thought, that I think it had something to do with my knee cap not tracking properly and me being too tight.

A thorough interview/assessment – more thorough than the last one in terms of looking at my knees and comparing the good one to the not so good one – she thinks that it has a lot to do with just how tight my quads are! Easy to see why after tonights examination! Tight is an understatement too! I have two exercises to do to try and lengthen my quad muscles out a bit and strengthen my control – fingers crossed this will help.

I feel a bit more confident about this physio and more confident that I might actually get to the end of this ridiculous injury/issue and be able to run again without knee pain. Which, and I cannot believe I am saying this, would be nice.

Especially as I have races planned!

Maybe 2020 will be ok after all. Despite a less than great start!

Fingers crossed that running will be back on the cards, sooner rather than later!

Little Christmas Love-in

Christmas is a great time for reflection – in fact, the whole of December has been really.

It started early in the month, or rather late November. Not sure why, but I suddenly felt like the madness that had been autumn might finally be calming down, I felt happier and the remains of bitterness that had been lingering might finally be subsiding – don’t get me wrong, I am not entirely sure I will ever be on terms of actively encouraging my ex to anything I do/organise etc, but I may FINALLY have turned a corner. This has lead me, this morning, to consider whether I should rename my blog. Suggestions welcome.

Shocking I know.

I wrote an open letter to the ex, here on this blog, not so long ago, which in itself was cathartic. It was even noted that I was pleasant to the ex by some mates and I re-joined Plenty of Fish with no expectation but in a better state of mind – and a bit more ruthless than the first time! So now it seems I am actually dating again and for the first time in over a year – this one has got past date number 3, has yet to really annoy me, seems relatively normal and I am looking forward to seeing him this weekend. This is quite daunting as it’s a while since I’ve been in a situation where I am happy dating. What is more disconcerting is the fact that this has come at a time where I am in a really good place and more than happy single. I am just going to see how things pan out I think.

On other themes of reflection – I cannot begin to really express the love that I have for my friends. I may have said this before. I am blessed with the greatest set of friends I have ever had. Some of them know me better than I know myself sometimes. When they say that friends are the family you chose for yourself I do think it’s true. My mates know me better than my extended family – and I am so lucky and blessed to have them in my life and I just don’t know how to thank them – I think cake maybe helps! They are the people that you want about you in a crisis – hopefully they know that if ever needed, I’d be there for them.

Racing wise – I might just leave that for another post.

So for now – I’ve spend December and Christmas with friends and my immediate family – chilled and content with life’s lot – and with so much to look forward to next year.

An Open Letter to the Ex

Just to give some background to how I have come to write this – I have always felt there have been things left unsaid, that I feel need to be said – for me to get off my chest to the ex just how his actions/behaviour affected me and for him to own his responsibility for his poor behaviour. I cant remain annoyed or angry forever and for the first time in a while, I am in a really good place, starting to find my mojo again and after speaking to a few mates about this – this might just be cathartic.

I even managed to be nice to him yesterday.

To my Ex,

It’s about 18 months since I had to pull you up and say ‘You don’t want to be with me anymore do you?’. This is the crux of why I have still been quite angry until recently. Your lack of balls. You behaved badly in the last few months we were together – I had put it down to stress with training and work, then one night, your behaviour was that of a complete and utter knob and I knew.

The pain in the realisation was awful. I was driving back down Castle Howard drive, heading home after swimming. The penny suddenly dropped. How I drove home I will never know.

Your lack of courage to even say to my FACE – your reply – and then to not meet and discuss this BREAK UP until the weekend? Cowardly. I still can’t believe it was me that had to insist that it was the next day. Leaving yours with only a small bag of possessions and my bike was a sad reflection of eight years together.

You said that these ‘feelings’ or lack of, had been developing for a while and that you had hoped that they would go away – so basically burying your head in the sand. Well, experience should tell you this never works. You took away ANY possibility of this being something more joint – of me having some knowledge or say in the matter. For us to figure out if there was something we could have done to have saved it. Was the eight years together not worth trying to save? Or at least put more effort into saving? Did it mean so little to you? That might be harsh but that’s how it felt. You took any choice/decision/power out of my hands. Gradually acting more of a knob and more of a recluse. With hindsight, seeing as you were soon set up with your current girlfriend, there wouldn’t have been a hope in hell either way. Not having any control of it, having it taken out of my hands made it harder to deal with.

I think there were a few give aways. Before I asked you to marry me, you were distance. You were at Christmas. Again, I put it down to stress. Maybe I should have said or asked if things were ok – but I think you would still have continued to have buried your head and not told me. I loved you so much and was excited that hopefully we would maybe be able to settle down and that things would calm down after Ironman. I asked you to marry me. Your reaction – well. I wasn’t wanting to set a date! Just some sign of commitment. To me. To us. Your reaction sticks in my head. It should have been exciting, something to celebrate. The lack lustre attention around my birthday – compared to the normal fuss. A few other things stick out too. The lack of enthusiasm about settling down together?

The signs were there really – why couldn’t you have just had the balls to say something sooner? If you knew you were developing feelings for her – why not at least try focusing on us, and trying to figure us out? I don’t even care if you actually cheated on me – its more the fact that you dragged it out.

What I have come to realise that I wasn’t the problem and there is nothing I could actually have done.  The issue is yours and yours alone and like I said to you at the time, you will probably repeat your behaviour. As soon as your current girlfriend wants more commitment from you, more than you are willing to give, you will bolt. You will likely break her heart. Unless, like your ex, she gets wise and leave you first – because this is a definite theme.

After we broke up. Sorry. After you dumped me. I lost you – and my second family (the second blow!) but equally I learned quite a bit, which opened my eyes and made me realise a LOT of things. Other things people have mentioned too, continue to help me realise that actually you probably did me a massive favour and I have probably had a lucky escape. It’s taken me a while to get to this point though.

After the split, I was became very ill, very quickly. There is no diet quite like the heartbreak diet. Mind you, being well under the 10 stone mark was fun. The emotional pain lasted longer. I physically got stronger but remained emotionally broken for a long time. The hurt, pain and anger that comes with any break up. Some of it still remains.

My friends saved me. Completely and utterly. I am eternally grateful for their love and support, which has been solid and dependable – even today. They have let me be myself and helped me heal, despite the scars that remain.

Over time, I found my feet. My reaction was to go buy a bike, buy a business and prove that I could manage without you. Prove myself capable. Since you dumped me, I have done more than I could ever possibly imagine me doing. After your first IM, you said that the next year would be about my racing and you supporting me. You never did. You decided you were doing IM again and I supported you. In fact, in all honesty, I think you (unintentionally) held me back and I forgot who I was. I been away on my own, I’ve traveled on my own. I own and run a business. I have tried new things I never thought I would. I have done my half-iron and done races I have wanted to do – even going off on my own to race. I have focused on me and found that I am stronger and more capable than I ever knew. I have had so much more fun and I have found my spontaneity! I have the closest, best group of friends that rallied round and supported me and still do.

The only thing you said was that was actually truthful was that I deserved better.  I did deserve better and I continue to deserve better. Heaven forbid any bloke trying to date me now.

No longer will I bend over backwards and do all the chasing – because lets face it, I did most of the running in our relationship. No longer will I forget who I am and I will do things for me.

It has been a long journey to get to where I am.

I want to let it go – I do, but equally I just want you to acknowledge the suffering you inflicted – to know – what ever you may have been torturing yourself with before the break up, is not a patch on the effect it had on me. You could have had the guts to say something sooner.

I have grown. I am me. On my own, independent and strong. Brave and unafraid.

Remaining bitter doesn’t serve a purpose and the bitterness is fading. I am not sure how far off I am of forgiving – and doubt I will ever forget – but at this moment in time I think your problems are probably far bigger than any of mine.

Finally – what ever has happened in the past has happened and nothing will change that. I am far better off without you, but avoiding events that there is a likelihood we are both going to be at or want to be at, serves no purpose. I hated for a long, long time, but this has changed to something I’m not sure about. I am not sure how I feel, only that writing this has helped.

I’ve read this back and it sounds harsh in places but I felt it needed to be said. Time is a healer to an extent – and I am not sure I am completely there – just don’t expect me to ever hold you in the same regard I once did. Actions tend to speak louder than words.

Your Ex.

(Lack of) Winter Training

There’s no two ways about it. This winter I am really struggling to keep up with any regular training. Work has been so busy and just life in general getting in the way. Dark evenings don’t really help matters either as the motivation to get going and moving just aren’t there. Days are shorter in term of light but do actually feel shorter too.

I know I’m not the only one.

I’m hoping that once Christmas is out of the way – my mojo will come back a bit more. I am already planning next year and really want to do better than I have been and aim to be more consistent. Improving across everything would be good!

More sleep. Better training. More consistency. That’s the basic plan.