Tag: running

Reluctant Runner

‘I’m taking some time off for a little rest and then I’ll consider my options. I wan to go slowly. There are a number of possibilities and I hope there will be more. I want to consider them carefully and slowly.’ – Martin McGuinn

This is a quote from a business man I believe but I think it applies quite nicely to my running. I’ve decided to give myself a break from running. Running is not my favourite discipline nor my strongest. After recent events, I have been wondering why I am pressuring myself to run when put quite frankly, I don’t want to. My run mojo fluctuates much like the British weather and at the moment it is non-existent. I would rather swim or cycle. Making the decision not to run in September has taken a weight off my shoulders I didn’t realise I was carrying.

I am hoping that a self-imposed ban on running will help me find my mojo to want to run. This has been coupled with the decision not to run in this years Cross Country league – even though it’s one of the few running things I do actually enjoy. Too many links to the ex to really be bothered to deal with. You can’t do everything! I also want to spend more time on the bike, swimming and climbing. It will serve my wellbeing more. This doesn’t mean I’m giving it up.

A break means that I can some back hopefully with some more motivation. I am already finding that I’ve slightly itchy feet to go run. I’ve my first race in February in my favourite part of the world, and a few other races booked/pencilled in so I can afford to take the break. I may have found myself a new running partner as well and my friend is planning on using me as her case study for her PT course so I think I am looking forward to starting running again with a improved mindset!

I know I don’t have to justify why I’m not running but actually writing it down helps it make sense and holds me a bit more accountable in the long run. There might just be other people out there like me wondering if it’s going to have a negative impact – so lets wait and see – I might come back looking forward to building it up again (I always lose run fitness pretty quick).

As for more possibilities – not having to find time to run at the moment means other possibilities are becoming available. Climbing and running a business are starting to fill in the gaps and the prospect of some swim/bike races are looking like they could be fun! Of course this means that I will have to eventually find time to fit in running again, but hopefully the will to do it will return more strongly and with all the S&C work I am doing, hopefully my fitness will also be in a better place!

Funny thing this running break murlarky – I already feel better about it!

Trying new things!

So in the theme of travelling, training and triathlon, my trip out yesterday saw a mixture of these things come together. Having been at Ellerton Park on Saturday and seeing just how glorious the lake was, I headed back there yesterday with a friend to actually swim. I might as well make most of having a week off work.

It is only £5 to swim and the beauty of this spot is that it is open all day nearly, every day. Perfect for the likes of me who don’t work all day every day! The water is so clean and clear (and really quite warm at the moment too) and it’s deep too. The course is marked out with three buoys, which you swim around clockwise. That’s it. There are no spotters or life guides so I bought a new tow float (I used to borrow his but, obviously this isn’t an option now). I felt better for knowing I had it, and that one of my friends was keeping an eye out. It was bliss! I’m lucky that I have a lake very close by to swim in, but for my plans for next year, I really think, despite the distance, this may be my lake of choice! I need to go check out Blue Lagoon though too. It was so nice being in the wetsuit again and out swimming rather than being in the pool. Even my friend managed to get in, despite doing no OW Swimming in nearly a year. There are showers and toilets, as well as a cafe near by. What else could you want or need? Having not eaten very much, I only did 2 laps (still struggling with eating) around the lake before swapping with my friend, but it was just nice to be out!

Later on though, there was a second appointment with a track session. I always said I wouldn’t do track, but I am conscious I am not a particularly speedy runner and I need to work on it. But boy – what a shock to the system that was. I knew it would be hard but I really need to up my running. I nearly hurled a few times but then I pushed myself harder than I would have done if I’d been on my own. I’m suffering today though as well. One of the coaches did say you need to be averaging 15 miles running a week to make most of track sessions. Best start upping my running and find some better trainers. I have sore calves and blisters this morning and I’m supposed to be running tonight.

I really hope that in a few months time I can report some more success in my running in general.

Tears, training and time trails.

A mixed week of tears and training, and a pretty hard Time Trail.

When you lose someone, you get used to living day to day without them. But you’ll never get used to the “10 second heartbreak.” That’s the time it takes to wake to full consciousness each day and remember. – Nina Guilbeau

The depressing, sad bits first – the stuff I need to get off my chest…. tears…..

So yesterday marked two weeks since he left me. Shock wore off last week. I suppose I am going through the phases of grief and dipping in and out of the different stages. I seem to be able to wake up and know whether it’s going to be a better day or whether it will be a bad day, even on day’s where I am trying desperately to keep busy. Sleep is oblivion – then waking up and breaking old habits is hard. He was the first person I’d text or want to talk to on a morning and thats gone. I’ve got to the stage where I am just missing him so much.

I have been on the brink of tears on and off all week. Managed to hold off until driving home from a TT on Thursday. Then the flood gates opened. The pain is still very much there, and still very much raw. I think the emotion of struggling more than I thought I would on the TT didn’t really help matters either even with good support. The same day, I’d been out for lunch with a friend, and she’s the only one who has asked me if I would consider getting back with him if he asked. In truth, I hadn’t given it much thought. I had hoped that it was something that would pass and we’d sort out but in reality, I don’t think there is any chance of that, so I hadn’t given it much consideration. It hurts that he is just throwing eight years away – his words were ‘its too late’ – well that is because he never said anything sooner, and he clearly doesn’t think we have anything worth fighting for. But there are conversations that still need to be had, and tomorrow I shall be off to see him. It won’t be pleasant, and it won’t be easy, but needs must for both of us. I am genuinely very worried about IMUK next weekend.

On a slightly more positive note – training and Time Trials…

Despite this, some good things have happened. Eating is still proving an issue – not keeping anything in much and appetite is still dire. I am now on 9lbs lost and under 10 stone for the first time in I don’t know how long. This is more of an issue as I’ve been possibly more active this week in an attempt to keep busy.

Yoga on Monday as normal – all good – although hot and sweaty. I swam Tuesday morning (1400m early doors wasn’t bad going considering I only had just over half an hour). Wednesday I ran, with friends, and ended up getting an invite to go up in a plane! Thursday I cycled in from my friends to the bike shop in town to finally get the Ridley fitted (not too many alterations actually) before cycling back for lunch. Lunch then work, then I was persuaded into doing one of the local hilly TTs.

I say it was a hilly TT, but it is more rolling hills and undulating. A bit lumpy. I was zapped of energy. You really feel the whole struggling to eat when you want to race! I managed it – 13 miles – in 46 min 12s (in my head I thought it was 10 miles, more fool me!). Slowest out of everyone but ah well. Friday – I managed my longest swim since way back last year – 2800m. A proper full swim set! Stomach was seriously empty by end of it and growling at me. Think this swim has been one of the highlights of the week to be honest. Just needed to bash it out without thinking too much.

The other biggish thing, going forward into my new found singledom, is my decision to try joining a gym again. This time, one with two pools and plenty of classes. I’ll admit it has cost me a small fortune and with a few other bits and pieces, and MOT/Car insurance bills due in the next two months, i need to rein in the spending but I think it will be worth it and help give me something to focus on in the next two months. It’s also same gym my friends have joined which means I can go with them too rather than swim on my own. Added advantage of the gym I’ve joined is that I can use my fins and paddles. There are NO WORDS for how excited this makes me! I’ve also started thinking about, and discussing with friends, races for next year. The calendar has been out and things are getting pencilled in as possibilities.

My head knows things will get better eventually. My heart is taking its own sweet time to catch up.

Finding headspace

Heading up North to prove you can travel on your own and be ok, despite a broken heart and an old car!

There are things that we don’t want to happen but have to accept, things we don’t want to know but have to learn, and people we can’t live without but have to let go.
– Anonymous

The weekend following the conversation and splitting up with the ex was hard, and this week was made that bit harder as I was supposed to be racing this weekend with him at a 24 hour endurance race that promised to be a lot of fun. I just couldn’t face doing it, especially as my emotions, I’ll admit, are still fluctuating between anger and grief. So it seemed like a sensible idea to do something completely different.

So I booked a night away at a B&B in my favourite part of the world – Northumberland. I muted references to the race and certain people I follow on Facebook, deleted the Strava app off my phone and after having late breakfast/early lunch with one of my friends, drove the 2 and a half hours North to Wooler.

I had a fantastic drive. I’d updated some of the CDs in my car to something more upbeat than normal (apparently, my normal taste in music is depressive). The traffic was good and for the first time in well over a week, I felt genuinely quite cheery. I used to love driving, but over the last few years, I didn’t do much of the longer distance stuff and left it to him. I decided to stop worrying about the car – if it broke down, I was in the AA and I had my credit card with me. Turns out car was brilliant and probably just needed a good long drive itself – my old tank of a Volvo was definitely made for cruising!

I arrived about 5ish, stayed long enough at the B&B to dump my bags and freshen up a bit before heading off to Salt Water Cafe in Beadnell for my tea. I’d planned on doing my favourite things while I was here in an attempt to cheer myself up and claim them as my own, making new memories and all that jazz. Tea was lovely but, being on a heartbreak diet and having no appetite, meant I just couldn’t finish it. I wandered down to the harbour – it was too nice an evening not to, before heading off to Alnwick for a twilight swim. Keeping myself busy so far was working.

img_8588Saturday was a bit of a different matter. Managed to push down some breakfast and had a lovely chat with a couple who were cycling. Checked out and headed over to Alnwick to mooch around the beautiful Alnwick Garden. Despite being busy, I managed to find a quiet place of solitude on a hanging swing, so sat, wrote in my diary and read a little. Hunger pangs started and I went into town in search of food, managed to eat and then headed to Barter Books. So far, travelling and holidaying solo going ok – a few moments of wanting to have a weep nearly creeping in.

The afternoon was the hardest, having head space is all well and good (and being all that way from home, on my own, proving to myself I could go it alone so to speak, was a good thing) but you can be alone with your thoughts and feelings too long, and the walk up to Dunstanburgh Castle proved to be quite hard. Last time I did it, the ex and I ran it. It’s one of my favourite castles too. All this lead to was a complete mash of emotions and probably proved hardest part of the day. I walked to the top of one of the towers – and could feel light-headness kicking in. This is unusual and I’m not sure how much of this to contribute to not eating enough verses emotional feelings. For the first time in a while, I was glad to be back in the car and heading back towards Beadnell. I was determined to get some form of run in, having taken my kit to run as well as the fact I had backed out of a race I’d been looking forward too (I have since debated whether I should have just gone and done it to make him feel awkward – though I might have felt awkward too and it wouldn’t have been fair on everyone else in the team).

Running is hard. Really hard. Especially when I’ve barely run in a month. But run I did. Only 4.5km around the village and along part of the beach. But I think it helped. I switched off a bit as I was more bothered about how hard this running was! Sport and exercise are definitely good therapy. By the time I’ got back to my starting point, I felt somewhat better and went to paddle in the sea before consuming ice cream. Deciding it was time to head home, I rung home to tell them when to expect me.

The drive home was different again to the drive up. On the way up, I had stopped at a friends for lunch, stopped at the services for a drink and obligatory loo stop and then headed up, sun shinning, music blasting, determined to enjoy it. The drive home was different. It was an easy drive (I think football was on), there was little traffic and no really hold ups apart from the odd average 50mph zone. It was nearly a straight drive back at 70mph cruising. So much for the easy bit. Concentrating on driving meant little time for thinking about feelings, especially with music playing, but I made the mistake of driving right down to the A1/A64 turn off, past the turn off for the race I should have done, and bang! Emotion overload. Coupled with the fact that my sunburn was kicking in, I was actually glad to be home. I’d been away, on my own, mostly enjoyed it, and more importantly, survived without tears.

The biggest revelation? Not having to consult others or wait for anyone while travelling is quite liberating if you don’t mind your own company. I think it is going to take me a while to just readjust to not having to consider others wants and feelings quite as much.

And try as I might, I still missed him and I still had the same questions spinning around my head but for a while at least, everything was ok. I know there is light at the end of the tunnel, and my head knows things happen for a reason. In the mean time, I am still going to continue nursing a broken heart.